


God Only Knows.

by reidbyers



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-26 18:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12563068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reidbyers/pseuds/reidbyers
Summary: Trying to help Luke with his PTSD was hard enough without him not wanting to accept any of the help, this often lead to many a argument neither of you wanted to be apart of. This time, Luke came up with a way to prove to you despite these arguments, he was serious about being with you.





	God Only Knows.

_I may not always love you_   
_But long as there are stars above you_

  
It would be a lie to say that being with Luke was easy, it was always worth it but it wasn’t easy. He carried a lot of emotional baggage with him, things you were willing to deal with if it meant being with him but sometimes it was a struggle. With the job he had and his past filled with violence and trauma, it was only to be expected that he have his bad days. His bad days weren’t always just bad days though, sometimes they were bad weeks and those were the worst because no matter how badly you wanted to take his pain away you couldn’t.

Luke could be defensive, it was his way from protecting himself from any more hurt even if he knew you were never the cause of it. Sleep was never his strong suit, he was either up the whole night distracting himself from sleep or couldn’t actually get there, you didn’t know if that was better than when he did eventually get to sleep and had vivid nightmares. Along with problems with concentrating, occasional irritable outburst and the impulsive behaviour he sometimes engaged in it was clear he was still suffering from PTSD.

The issue was Luke knew what he was going through and acknowledged it was a problem, he had been raised with the mentality of just manning up and getting over it so no matter how many times you told him that talking to a professional would help things, he just couldn’t get himself to do it. He wanted to, he knew it wouldn’t only help him but you too but he just wasn’t ready yet.

You felt bad for getting angry when it wasn’t his fault he was dealing with his mental health, it wasn’t like he had asked for any of this but did that devalidate you being allowed to question his poor choices? It wasn’t something you enjoyed doing but you couldn’t sit there and watch Luke start to distance himself, he needed to know that you loved him and if that was shown in you fighting with him then so be it.

“Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about what I have to say.” You mumbled under your breath, staring down at your clasped hands while trying to stay calm. Yet another argument, the third one that month and yet again about Luke. It was difficult not making him the villain, trying to stay objective and realise he wasn’t doing any of this on purpose but on the other hand, he wasn’t doing anything to stop it. You hadn’t been as quiet as you thought you had been and Luke had to do his best to stop himself from groaning in disbelief.

“I care, you know I do.” He replied calmly, knowing it wasn’t right that he got mad at you for caring so much when it was one of the things he loved most about you, it just didn’t always work out so great for him. You scoffed and looked at him, Luke was leaning up against the wall and looking across at you. Everything in his body language said defensive, all you wanted was for him to open up to you and that seem like a lot after almost three years of dating.

“Then let me in! I’m not asking for much, Luke! I just want to help you.” You cringed as your tone came off as if you were begging, if it meant Luke would take your advice then you would beg until your face went blue but what was the point if Luke was too stubborn to put any of your advice to use? It was a difficult situation to be in because while you both knew that none of this was coming from a place of lack of love or hatred for the other person it might have been easier if it had been. At least then you’d know what to do, just get up and leave and have that be the end of it but you loved Luke to much to do that. So what was the alternative? Watch him slowly but surely ruin himself?

_You never need to doubt it_   
_I’ll make you so sure about it_

“You need to stop trying to distance yourself from me, I know everything you’re going through is scary and exhausting but having someone to help you on these bad days is important.”

“I’m not distancing myself.” Luke clarified. He hadn’t actively trying to at least, if anything he felt he’d been more involved than ever. After a particular case that reminded him too much of the past his PTSD had flared up but he had tried to rebuttal it by spending time with you, granted he hadn’t been the most pleasant of company but he had been trying. “It’s not-”

“Stop arguing with everything I say! God, if this is your way of trying to say you don’t want me around then just come out and say it!” You yelled, it was rare you raised your voice but it was always a last resort. You tried to have calm and civil discussions but you were exhausted after having the same conversation over and over again, by now it was clear what you wanted from Luke and he knew what you were offering. It wasn’t your job to babysit him, he was a grown man and he needed to make his own choices now.

Luke just stared across the room at you, mostly in disbelief but also in anger that you could even suggest you weren’t wanted. You were the only good thing he had in his life. Sure he had his job and colleagues there but you, without you he wouldn’t have the drive to do what he did. Why try and rid the bad guys from the world if he didn’t know what the good was? Well he knew what the good was, it came in the form of people like you and he couldn’t risk losing you, not even for one second.

It was then that he got the idea, perhaps not his best one considering the circumstances but was there a better way to prove that he wanted you around? Without saying another word Luke left the room, you took that as just him needing some space and instead rested your head in your hands and tried to go over everything that had been said. He was back quicker than you had expected, something within his fist you couldn’t quite see.

“Stand up.” Luke ordered, you stayed still for a few moments, debating how serious he was before taking the hand he had extended for you and standing up. You stood there in silence for around twenty seconds, trying to work out what was racing through Luke’s mind. It was only when he lowered to one knee that you understood.

“What are you-”

“You’ve had to chance to talk, let me now.” There was no shake to Luke’s voice, not even the slightest hint of worry. He didn’t doubt even for a second that this was the right thing to do, he’d had the ring hidden in his drawers for almost four months now, waiting for the right time to come; for a time when he wasn’t so messed up. He realised in that moment of you yelling at him that what if that time never came? Was he really about to waste his life trying to make excuses for himself, saying that he’d over it eventually until one day he was old and realised he’d lived his life alone and in pain?

_If you should ever leave me_   
_Though life would still go on believe me_

“You’re right, about everything. I’m stubborn, I can’t not pick a fight, I refuse help because I’m scared there’s nothing that can be done and I’ve been a crap boyfriend.” Luke opened his palm to reveal a small velvet box, despite knowing what he was doing when he got on his knee seeing the box just made everything feel so much real. Never in a million years would you have thought this would have happened, Luke never seemed all that enthusiastic about marriage, saying that he was content with what you and him had right then.

“I never said that.” You said so quietly it was barely audible, Luke just smiled and shook his head - of course you had to interrupt one last time.

“You’ve thought it, I know you have and I don’t blame you. I have so many things I need to work on, but I can’t do that without you by my side. I can’t do any of this without my girl, she needs to be by my side to call me out on my shit and point me in the right direction. Putting a ring on her finger’s the right way to go about that, right?”

Luke opened the box to reveal a small diamond ring, it was nothing flashy or overbearing, it was perfect and you couldn’t stop the tears that had been building up from starting to run down your cheeks.

“So, what do you say? You let me call you mine forever and I’ll finally start taking your advice?” You could tell Luke was joking because of how nervous he was now it came to actually asking you, he was fine all the way through explaining why he was doing this but having to finally hear whether or not his efforts had gone to waste, well that would scare anyone.

“Yes, god yes.” You sobbed, you didn’t even attempt to censor yourself because the love of your life had just asked you to marry him. No matter how much he infuriated you sometimes and arguably made your life more difficult, he also made it so much better. You couldn’t imagine a life where you didn’t have him in it, without him what was the point?

“Can I ask the question?” Luke blinked back his own tears as he laughed, waiting until you nodded his head before speaking again. “(Y/N), will you marry me?”

“Yes.” Luke fumbled about with getting the ring out of the box, putting it onto the coffee table next to him before taking your hand, noticing it’s soft tremors before sliding the ring onto your finger. Before he stood up he pressed a kiss to the back of your hand and then to your knuckles, relief flooding his body at the realisation this was actually happening.

_The world could show nothing to me_   
_So what good would living do me_

Once Luke had stood up again you grabbed either side of his face and pulled him into a kiss, the cool metal of your ring pressing up against his face made your stomach fill with butterflies.

You were getting married, married to the man who threw you over his shoulder when you were in a mood with him because he knew how much you loved it and asked you for photos of you when he was away but also of Roxy, made you Lasagna which you’d both end up eating out of the pan while watching super shitty action films and who was messy and damaged but so full of love.

After stumbling backwards you fell onto the couch and Luke tumbled on top of you, it was okay because you liked having him close to your like this. His hands snaked around your waist and pulled you flush against him, trying to keep you as close as possible as if he was trying to prove to himself that this was not a dream.

In the end it was always going to be him, no matter how many arguments or bad weeks there were; it was always going to be you and him together.

_God only knows what I’d be without you_


End file.
